Top 5 Butts of the Tuilleries Garden

After the great success of last year’s “Butts of the Louvre”, Paris History of our Streets is proud to present the second series, “Butts of the Tuileries”! So you think this is immature, vulgar, or in poor taste? You may be right, especially about the immature part.

But hear me out!

These statues have been admired for decades and they weren’t created by their sculptors to be appreciated only from the front. Chiseling such a delicately rounded shape in bronze or stone is an admirable skill and should be appreciated from all angles. This post is dedicated strictly to the oft forgotten and underappreciated sculptured derrières of the historic Tuileries Gardens.

Let’s take a moment and honor the diversity of these majestic booties and the talents of their creators!

Number 5 Les Fils de Cain (The Sons of Cain) Paul Landowski, 1906

You know the biblical story right? Cain is the son of Adam and Eve and he had an impressive number of offspring given that human production was still somewhat of a new concept. Here he is in the middle of his sons and each figure represents various strengths. From the right is Jubal and he depicts “thought” which is ironic because he is butt naked and you can’t call thought a strength if you forget to put your own clothes on right? Tubalcain is on the left and as a blacksmith, he represents “work”, which is an unfortunate trade to be wearing assless chaps in. Why Cain is wearing this giant modest cloak while his boys are letting it all hang out; who knows?

Number 4 La Baigneuse aux Bras Levés (The Bather with Raised Arms) Artistide Maillol, 1921

Any other ladies out there put their messy buns together in the buff? The curve of this bather’s hips against the juxtaposition of her pointy elbows is elegant and flattering. I bet she’s a cheeky lady who “accidently” lets her undergarments fall off in front of the open window as she coyly steps into her steaming bath. The eye seems to float over her, admiring her sleekness with only the brief disruption of her butt crack.

Number 3 Cain Venant de Tuer son Frère Abel (Cain Just Killed his Brother Abel) Henri Vidal, 1896

Here we are back to Cain again, only this time he’s ditched his cloak and he’s wandering around son-less and broken with his head in his hand. Of course he’s in the buff. He’s probably regretting killing his bro Abel, which is kind of a big deal when you’re left with the legacy as the World’s First Murderer responsible for the First Human Death. As the third human on earth, he could have been known for so many things, First Person to Tell a Joke, First Person to Whistle, even First Person to Shart- but he’ll forever be known as the First Guy to Slay his Brother. (He also had the first incestuous relationship with his sister but we can’t hold that against him given the lack of available partners at the time) At least we can all agree that he had a damn good-looking ass. Chances are favorable that he might have had the world’s sexiest heinie at some time, there wasn’t much competition, especially if you’ve killed 25% of your potential rivals. You could bounce a stone off those gluts, then blame it for killing your brother as its projected towards his head.

NUMBER 2 Rivière Artistide Maillol, 1943

Well shit. This is embarrassing. I’ve fallen, and I’m naked. Everyone can see my butt and it’s not like I can claim to be into nude breakdancing. This is so awkward. Could you just divert your eyes to the Eiffel Tower over there while I try to gather what’s left of my dignity?

THE NUMBER ONE ASS OF THE TUILERIES GARDENS

Alexandre Combattant (Alexander in Combat), Charles Leboeuf, 1836

Let’s get right to it. Testicles. Ballocks. Deez Nutz. Chin Warmers. I want to admire those defined shoulders and the muscular triceps, but my eye just keeps coming back to naughty bits. It must be cold outside. We are one missing hand away from having the first Sculptured Fruit bowl.

HONORABLE ASS-MENTION

Faune au Chevreau d’après l’antique Paul Le Pautre, 1698

This is a Basic Ass; the Rear of the People. It’s defined with a commendable under butt crease. And that cute little tuff! Oh my heart, I love it and want to run my fingers through it. I bet he giggles and demurely slaps your hand away saying “Oh you’re so naughty!” if you tug it. I don’t know what this guy is doing frolicking around naked with a goat wrapped around his shoulders but I dig it.

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