I spent a few hours at the Louvre recently researching another HISTORY MYSTERY and during the 4 hours I wandered the endless corridors of the world’s most famous museum amongst the 380,000 examples of the finest art ever produced by man- bearing witness to Da Vinci, Johannes Vermeer, Eugène Delacroix, and countless other masterpieces, it occurred to me that there is a lot of nice ass to be seen here.
And in a world where far less talented backsides belonging to Kardashians and J. Los are celebrated, I think we need to be reminded of the first booties to be admired by the masses. The iconic, classical bums that have been worshiped for their composition, emotion, aesthetic qualities, and form for hundreds, maybe thousands of years.
So with no further ado, I bring you THE TOP FIVE BUTTS OF THE LOUVRE.
NUMBER FIVE l’Amitié
This is just a good lookin’ ass and the way the light was hitting it in the hallway, curving over the ample buttcheeks before giving way to the darkness of the sombre buttcrack was something I admired. There is a slight curve to the right hip as the weight of the model is distributed upon the vase she is leaning on. How the hell does someone chisel that in marble? This butt is the butt of the people, and I commend it for its modesty. This derrière is not trying to be something its not. And for that, it is remarkable.
NUMBER 4 Capitoline Aphrodite
The only thing better than one butt is two butts amiright? Especially when one set belongs to a cute little arrow welding cupid. I dig the dimples and slight imperfections in this bum. It’s like Aphrodite is saying, Yeah I could lose 10lbs but I’m not in a hurry.”
NUMBER 3 Cincinnatus
I love this cheeky butt because this guy is like, “oh well yeah of course I need to be butt naked to put my sandals on, why would anyone put their pants on first? Now would you mind diverting your eyes from my scrotum please?”
NUMBER 2 Sleeping Hermaphrodite
One of the more famous sculptures of the Louvre, this snoozing lady has a secret she is coyly concealing. From one side, its like “Oh my! this lovely nude lady’s silk sheet has fallen, exposing her plump buttcheeks and sideboob. How delicately sexy of her!” but then you make your way around and you note that “Ah no.. nope. This isn’t a lady.. that’s a definitely a dick.”
THE NUMBER ONE ASS OF THE LOUVRE
VENUS DE MILO
This honor is no surprise because this mASSterpiece depicting the Greek Goddess of Love and Beauty, is probably the most checked out ass at the Louvre on a daily basis. Tourists seem to crowd around her, admiring a 360 degree view of the most famous ancient Greek sculpture. No matter that her arms are missing, that demure half-exposed buttcrack makes up for missing limbs. Created around 200 BC, and rediscovered on the island of Milos in 1820, Venu’s bum has been admired for nearly 2000 years. During WWII, this fine Grecian ass was hid at the Château de Valençay to prevent these cheeks from falling into Nazi hands.
The Louvre has been open since 1793 and is the most visited museum in the world (over 10 million people came in 2018). so I can proudly say that I am one of two people to create a ranking of asses on display here. KIND OF A BIG DEAL IMO