Blog, Unpopular Opinions

Notre Dame McDamie Face

= My own restoration plan for Notre Dame has not yet been officially recognized but its only a matter of time +

Everybody’s favorite charred cathedral has been in the news recently for controversial restoration “updates” like mood lighting and light projections that many fear will turn the historic gothic edifice into a theme park.

Which brings me back to my own ND restoration (or rather renovation) proposal…

Go big or go home ami right?

850 year old relic of gothic worship, smership!

What Our Lady needs is some 21st century innovation!

And what better than some modern inspiration from other Paris landmarks, like the Centre Pompidou?
Thankfully we still have two towers to work with, so why not model one after Renzo Piano and Richard Rodger’s 1970’s masterpiece? Let’s destroy the right tower and put color coded architectural elements in its place! Who doesn’t love air vents?

The pop of blue color will be aesthetically pleasing after eight centuries of dull beige

That unsettling canapy covering the dodgy underground meca of shopping, transport, and illicit drug deals at Chatelet / Les Halles took more than a few years to install, but look how its thriving now! Why shouldn’t Notre Dame have its own protective covering?

Let’s not forget the huge donation promised by LVMH aka Louis Vuitton/Moët Hennessy. 200 million euros deserves a flag on top of the new Notre Dame non?
Mr. Selma Hayek (François-Henri Pinault) also promised 100 million buckaroos and since we are updating the cathedral, why not put a pretty face on those fugly gargoyles?
We can add the King of French Rock Johnny Hallyday too!

During the fire of April 15th, I was heartbroken to watch the medieval roof structure, including that majestic towering spire, burn and fall. But that’s to be expected when 850 year old matchsticks light up in an inferno?
Let’s go with a more durable, eco-friendly modern spire.. taking inspiration from I.M. Pei’s pyramid at the Louvre, I gave Notre Dame her own testament to longevity- A Glass Pyramidy Thing!
Now we can admire all the tourists seeking the perfect angle with their selfie sticks as they “touch” the tip!

While we are at it, let’s make this a place for everyone to enjoy, not just those prudish pilgrims!

From now on locals and tourists alike can enjoy lukewarm 15€ cocktails and IPAs on the new rooftop bar!
With the outdoor escalator (inspired by Centre Pompidou!) you can cruise past all those boring worshipers on your way to the bar! Sha-wing!

An authentic Nordic Chatelet could be added to the roof for a 30 person max capacity, complete with sauna and outdoor BBQ (equipped with fire extinguishers of course haha). Air BnB is taking over Paris, why not give them a little roof top space with 360 degree views, a hot tub, and mirrored ceilings? It ain’t sin if its outside the church right?

To appease even the most Bobo Parisian, we have a solution to get those pesky trotinettes off the sidewalks.. Park them on the roof of this holy gothic masterpiece of a cathedral!

And last but not least, large and obnoxious signs to remind even the most stubborn Parisian to pick up their dog poo and cigarette butts.


There I fixed it!
Or.. Not.

If you have read this entire post, hopefully you can read beyond the sarcasm. Notre Dame Cathedral should be restored as it was, taking as much time as necessary and using the best available materials as replacements.
If the Mona Lisa was damaged, would we update her to accommodate the 21st century?
No, she would be returned to her original condition, in the best way possible.
Let’s give Notre Dame de Paris the same courtesy.

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